The 27 months of NBA playoffs are upon us. The twelve year journey to anoint the 2014 NBA Champion started a week ago and I guess it has been entertaining. I haven’t watched a single minute and unless the Spurs make the Finals, I most likely won’t.
What I did watch, however, was a bunch of basketball movies and clips to prepare for this week’s post. Based on the success of my Fantasy Dream Amazeballs All-Hollywood Baseball Team I have put together a hoops’ movie team in honor of the NBA Playoffs. The criteria will be the same. There will be no real players, so that eliminates pretty much the entire cast of Like Mike (thank god) except Bow Wow and Morris Chestnut. Nor will Michael Jordan from Space Jam or Leonardo DiCRAPio’s Jim Carroll from Basketball Diaries be considered for the starting line-up. Earl “The Goat” Manigault is also ineligible, despite the movie rumored being a nearly fictional account of his life. Just like last time, likenesses and characters based on real players are perfectly acceptable. Real players playing fictional characters are also welcome. So, sit back and enjoy your Sunday with the:
THE ALL-TIME FICTIONAL HOOPIDITY DOOPITY ALLY OOPITY BASKETBALL MOVIE TEAM
Point Guard: You would think Wesley Snipes is the greatest athlete of all time! He had TWO characters in consideration for the baseball roster and now makes his case for basketball. Sidney Deane (White Man Can’t Jump) was flashy and loud talking but he had some mad skills to hold his own against anyone. His passing ability was uncanny. Deane’s counterpart, Billy Hoyle (Woody Harrelson, White Man Can’t Jump) has a deadly three pointer, but he may be too old to contribute to this team. Can he still drive to the hoop and lead this team? Well, if Harrelson can’t cut it as Billy Hoyle, maybe he can as Monix (Semi Pro). Monix was the aged, knee-less, veteran who came in and helped turn around the Flint Tropics dream season. Sure, Calvin Cambridge’s (Lil Bow Wow, Like Mike) entire playing ability was dependent on MJ’s magic shoes, but wasn’t everybody’s back then? Lola Bunny (herself, Space Jam) was bound for WNBA stardom. Despite the MonStars cheap shots and over powering size and demeanor, Lola never backed down and took it right to them.
Starter: I’m going with Lola here. The other guys in this category are good, but they are either hustlers or destined for a bench role. Plus, Lola showed no fear against monsters for crying out loud. That’s who I want manning … er, womanning … er, wasckily wabbiting my team.
Shooting Guard: This category is over flowing with stars. Jesus Shuttleworth (Ray Allen, He Got Game) immediately comes to mind. He is raw, but man can he shoot. He has a jump shot that is strikingly similar to NBA star Ray Allen’s, which I still think is the prettiest natural shot of our generation. Clarence “Coffee Black” Brown (Andre 3000 Benjamin, Semi-Pro) not only gets a look due to his overwhelming basketball skills, but he has the heart of a champion willing to sacrifice everything to play for a loser. The lovable Air Bud (Buddy, Air Bud) gets some love because he’s so damn cute. Plus, like Ed the chimp on my baseball roster… he’s a freaking animal! Tell me you wouldn’t pay some serious duckets to watch a dog break some ankles and drop some dimes. Lewis Scott (Damon Wayans, Celtic Pride) was so good Daniel Stern and Dan Aykroyd had to kidnap him.
Starter: No question it is Shuttleworth. As we learned in Big Lebowski, nobody f’s with da Jesus!
Small Forward: Another position full of elite athletes and superstars. Scott Howard (Michael J. Fox, Teen Wolf) is a mixed bag. If he shows up as Scott Howard, this team is screwed. But if he shows up as The Wolf… look out! Howard turns from a 5-foot, seventh man off the bench type of player to a guy who can dunk like MJ by simply adding some fur. Jimmy Chitwood (Maris Valainis, Hoosiers) is the game changing character based on Bobby Plump. The downside to Chitwood is all that he can do is shoot. As much as he brought to that amazing run, if he goes ice cold, his team is in trouble. Moses Guthrie (Julius “Dr. J” Erving, The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh) saved a whole damn city. If you haven’t seen this cult classic go watch it. It is a terribly fun movie about a failing basketball team formed around their star player’s zodiac sign, Pisces (hence the fish), to win basketball games. Jamal Wallace (Rob Brown, Finding Forrester) is one of the more unheralded basketball movie stars due to his youth and raw talent. He was heavily recruited by private schools across New York and showed he’s got serious skills on the floor and in the classroom. Butch McRae (Anfernee “Penny” Hardaway, Blue Chips) had it all: ball handling skills, a nice shot, and a beautiful house for his mother.
Power Forward/ Center: I’m clumping these two positions together, because let’s face it, that’s how it works these days. Tim Duncan may be the best power forward to ever play the game, but he still has to match-up at center sometimes. I want my big men to have that same ability.
Somehow, the dreadful Flint Tropics send their third candidate to roster consideration in the PF/C category. Team owner, leader, and all around entertainer Jackie Moon (Will Ferrell, Semi Pro) has more dance moves than basketball skills, but he can still ball. Neon Boudeaux (Shaquille O’Neal, Blue Chips) is just as much a beast on the floor as the man who played him. You need a monster dunk or complete domination inside the paint? You simply call on this Neon blue-chip prospect. He may have earned a Razzie Nomination for his acting, but we are judging on ball skills here. One of the many degrees of Kevin Bacon gets the final nod. Saleh (Charles Gitong Maina, The Air Up There) was not only the savior of Jimmy Dolan’s career, but he saved his own tribe with the game winning shot against the evil mining company.
Starters: Neon and Saleh. Talk about Towers of Power. These guys could rival Tim Duncan and David Robinson. Neon, with more natural skills, will probably slide into the four while Saleh will man the center position. Besides, any player that you can mistake for the cartoon MonStar Pound from Space Jam is ok in my books.
Monix gets the nod to back things up at the point guard position. Sure, he’s older than Harrelson’s Hoyle, but all Hoyle has is a sweet shot and that was mainly when he was left wide open. Monix still has the heart to cut to the hole even if he can barely walk. Chitwood makes the squad because as a situational player there will be very few better. Down by three with just seconds left? Run the picket fence and get Jimmy open… just don’t get caught watching the paint dry! Jamal Wallace makes the team as a reserve because of his raw ability to swing from the two to the three and his basketball and regular IQ reign supreme to just about everyone else on the court. Moon merits a roster spot on notoriety alone. If we need a quick promotion, Moon is the man. Scott Howard gets the call, but he is only allowed to play when donned in fur. I want The Wolf. The last guy to round out the bench is someone that wasn’t nominated for a starting role, but he stepped up when the Beavers needed him most. Chubby (Mark Holton, Teen Wolf) turned from zero to hero when he simply crushed the Dragons. How he fit into those 80s shorty short uniforms is amazing in itself.
Head Coach: Edwina “Eddie” Franklin (Whoopi Goldberg) certainly deserves some consideration because she turned around a dismal New York Knicks team after being the female Spike Lee. However, she won’t coach my team simply because I despise the Knicks and rather see them stay in the basement. In fact, I could watch a two hour movie about how bad the Knicks are, but that movie would be called 2013-14 season. The man I want at the helm has a shaky past and an unprecedented way of handling his offense. He found the best ways to utilize each and everyone of his players, even if it was getting Ollie in there for a few under handed free throws. No one was better at motivational speeches and when the team needed a fire lit under it’s ass, he’d go off the deep end and get ejected. Norman Dale (Gene Hackman, Hoosiers) is my guy. He will lead this team to glory.
Did I get it right? Sound off and let me know if I gave the wrong players a start or if I left someone off entirely. Until then, check back in 7.5 million hours when we finally name the 2014 NBA Champion!