Welcome to June, fantasy baseballers. This is the time of year that pretty much half of the team that you drafted is hurt. There are twenty plus top starting pitchers, like Jose Fernandez, on the shelf and big offensive stars, like Prince Fiedler, are done for the year. Unlike fantasy football which you can win with the team that you drafted, baseball is all about the waiver wire moves you make in June and July. I have lost the likes of Fielder, Jose Abreau, and Andrew Cashner just to name a few, so I looked deep to find some people myself. Others I am keeping a close eye on, ready to pick them up any given moment.
The NBA Finals are set and I can’t wait. Despite Lance Stephenson‘s best efforts, the Pacers blew the series (see what I did there?) and the Heat rolled to their fourth straight title series. The Spurs and Thunder played a bizarre series out West in which the home team completely dominated the first five games until last night’s overtime thriller that sent the Spurs back to the Finals for a second consecutive season.
Happy Memorial Day, America. It’s a time for barbecues, heading to the beach, and enjoying a long weekend with family and friends. There is usually a ton of booze involved and maybe you sneak in a two minute glance of one of the most famous non-stop left turns ever in the 98th running of the Indy 500. It is also a time to remember… hence the clever MemorialDay tag.
Ocean City, MD celebrating the weekend. (Photo Credit: Baltimore Sun).
The sports world has long been filled with athletes who remember that, although sports are entertaining and indeed a job, they are also just a game. Endless amounts of athletes have put their careers on hold to serve this country. While some of us spend this weekend celebrating relatives or friends who have served, lets take a look at some of the more memorable athletes to put America above their stats and illustrious careers.
As most of my followers already know, I am the head of the Yankees Minor League Coverage Team at YanksGoYard.com. Week in and week out, I bring you roundups of all the nights scores, features on individual prospects, as well as the bi-weekly Prospect Watch. To say I know a little something about the Yankees’ farm system is an understatement.
If you follow me on Twitter (which I hope you do by now!), you know I constantly get in discussions with other minor league junkies about our depleting farm system. @Draft2Dynasty is one of those such followers. Recently someone posed the question to @Draft2Dynasty: If you could take the entire Yankees’ farm system and make a 25-man roster of people who will make the bigs, what would it look like? Not only has @Draft2Dynasty posted his, he invited a couple of us minor league coverage guys to chime in with ours. Of course I jumped on any opportunity to make some sort of fantasy baseball roster!
The following 25-man roster (we are allowed an additional five roster spots for the DL, which in the minor leagues can be because you sneezed softer than usual) encompasses the four active Yankees’ minor league affiliates: The Charleston RiverDogs, the Tampa Yankees, the Trenton Thunder, and Scranton/Wilkes-Barre RailRiders. @Draft2Dynasty hasn’t followed Charleston much this season, so he excluded them. I however, have watched them on the internet, so I am taking a few of their brightest stars. Again, these are the 30 players that I see having a shot to play in pinstripes, not just good ball players. That is pretty much the challenge in a nutshell, so without further ado:
Well, folks, another week has come and gone. I once again lost twenty smackers in less than two minutes picking the wrong horse’s name out of a beer pitcher. I drew Pablo Del Monte who was a 30-1dog. My guy flew out of the gates to take the first leg but it’s amazing how long the next minute and a half took with a little bit of money on the line! Needless to say, California Chrome came through as expected and predicted by Wayniac Nation’s very own Triple Crown analyst, The Sport Illuminati, and crushed the competition. (Please be sure to follow him via Twitter for horse racing, baseball, and soon enough, football odds at @SportIlluminati.)
Enough of the ponies, we got bigger fish to fry. Andrew Cashner, starting pitcher for the San Diego Padres, is the most recent in a slew of baseball’s promising young pitcher’s to hit the DL with a sore elbow. There is most likely a trip to the infamous Dr. James Andrews in his future. Cashner and the Padres are hopeful they don’t hear those awful words most often heard from a Dr. Andrews visit: You need Tommy John surgery.
“I’ve been thinking about things this offseason, and I just kind of wonder sometimes, ‘Is this still the place for me? It’s just something I’m just thinking about.” (per the Houston Chronicle)
It was a gut punch to all Texans’ fans. The words of the most powerful player in franchise history reached into our bodies and pulled out our souls. The heart of the Houston Texans wants out.
If you don’t know, I am a diehard Texans’ fan. When you take a look at my profile picture, you will notice I am in a number 80 jersey. That is because Andre Johnson is not just the greatest Texan ever, he is my favorite football player to ever step on the field. Andre Johnson isn’t just the Texans’ best wide receiver… Andre Johnson is the Texans.
Ladies, gentleman, and those who don’t fit in to those categories at Wayniac Nation, I would very much like to introduce our newest guest writer and Horse Racing expert, The Sport Illuminati. Chris is an old friend of mine. When I say old, I mean we are the same Little League team 30 years ago! We also would go to the Meadowlands every Wednesday night in high school and he taught me everything I needed to know about the world of horse racing. We would win some money here and there, regardless of the fact that each week we both had to bet on Hooter J despite his inability to EVER win! When he approached me about having a Preakness piece on the Nation, I thought there would be no one better to deliver it. So without further ado:
THE @sportsilluminati PREAKNESS PREDICTION SPECIAL
The year was 1978. Hungry Hungry Hippos was all the rage, everyone’s favorite humble basketball player Kobe Bryant was born, and the last Triple Crown winner, Affirmed, won the Preakness. In honor of this accomplishment and that wonderful year, I have paired a 1978 movie with every horse in Saturday’s Preakness.
Dynamic Impact(12-1) The Deer Hunter: Much like this film, Dynamic Impact started his career off slow (lost first 3 races as a two year old) but has made an impressive go at it as of late winning two of his last three starts. Like the cast of this movie (Christopher Walken Robert De Niro Meryl Streep) Dynamic Impact will have staying power and at 12-1this horse can be an interesting play in exotic betting.
General A Rod (15-1) Foul Play: Although this horse didn’t impress in the Derby finishing 11th, he has a new jockey with Javier Castellano. That change will be significant as Castellano has won the Preakness riding Bernardini in 2006. Like the movie, General could be considered a mystery in this race with an undertone of comedic value. If he can get near the lead at the offset, we can see a laugher in the making. If this horse is going to win, it’s going to happen early and going away.
California Chrome (3-5)
Jaws 2: Will Chrome be one of the few horses that runs as well as his first big performance or will we see a bust in the making? He has a cough which the media is trying to make into a big deal (it isn’t), and his slow finish time at the Derby has raised a few eyebrows. The only real obstacle is his short rest time between races. Chrome is used to a month between races, not two weeks. I feel this horse hasn’t “jumped the shark” yet and could make chum out of this field.
Ring Weekend (20-1) Dawn Of the Dead: This horse has been a Florida staple this year winning the Tampa Bay Derby but losing as the favorite at the Calder Derby. Like this zombie classic, this horse has been dead to early bettors and will have to move faster than a zombie out of the gate if he has any shot of being in the mix.
Bayern (10-1) Grease: Bob Baffert is going light to the Preakness with only one entry and feels this speed horse has as good a shot as any. Rosie Napravnik is a Pimilico fixture and could use her familiarity to the track as an advantage. Like the movie, Bayern could draw female bettors with a female jockey aboard. This horse is “grease lightning” but needs to prove he can sustain that energy throughout a 1 3/16 mile.
Ria Antonia (30-1) Halloween: Late to the party, this long shot is looking to capture her first win as a three year old in the Preakness. While many people see this horse as a trick to bet considering her 6th place finish at the Oaks, the switch in jockey to Calvin Borel may be a treat to bettors. Borel is not adverse to winning big races with long shots. Ria Antonia hasn’t faced this group of horses before so the unfamiliarity may actually work to her advantage. She’s not scared by her competition.
Kid Cruz (20-1) Up In Smoke: Kid Cruz won his last race at Pimlico. To win this race, this field needs to come out of the gate fast so he can come from behind and dust them down the stretch. Like Cheech and Chong, Kid Cruz is a high-flying, low rider that can make bettors smile when all is said and done.
Social Inclusion (5-1) Animal House: Speed horse who comes to the party early. The question is whether he has the staying power to keep the pace down the stretch. A 3rd place in the Wood Memorial and best Beyer Speed of 108 will get bettors’ attention. This horse will factor and possibly upset a lot of the betting elite as he makes a mess of the parade when all is said and done.
Pablo Del Monte (20-1) I Spit On Your Grave: Trainer Wesley Ward held out this horse from the Derby to focus efforts on this race. Not a fan of dirt, Pablo Del Monte’s success has come on synthetic tracks. Always 2 steps behind his competition (2 third place finishes in 4 stakes races) Pablo will have to rise up to her enemies and find that eternal voice to slay them down the stretch. The problem is he is an early speed horse and that will be a tough task to accomplish.
Ride On Curlin (10-1) Superman: Much like the Superman saga, we have a 4th different jockey riding him in his last 4 races. Also like the Superman movies, we always go in expecting some high flying action but leave a bit disappointed by the results. What can make this trip any different? A small field of horses makes it easier for this horse to stay out of traffic which is its kryptonite. Off the pace or in the lead, the key for this horse is to see daylight throughout his ride.
My personal opinion is its going to take a wilted effort by Chrome and a spirited effort by anybody else to beat the heavy favorite. After his Derby performance, I am hard pressed to see California Chrome having trouble in this smaller field and shorter race. That said, anything can happen and I am looking to make a couple of $$. After hitting the $340 exacta at the Derby, I am going with another 4 horse $5 exacta box ($60 investment).
Predicted Final Finish:
3: California Chrome 6: Ria Antonia 10: Ride On Curlin 5: Bayern
Well, folks, for those of you that don’t know, I just got back from a long weekend bender in good ol’ Las Vegas. It’s time to put the chips down, step away from the Sports Book, and leave the fruity drinks at the pool and get back to reality. Or fantasy, as this week’s title may suggest.
My view the last 4 days. I hope you understand how important you all are to me…
It’s time to catch up on a little Fantasy Baseball. So far this 2014 season I have given you my breakout players as well as some pleasant early surprises. Most of these players have held up thus far like Masahiro Tanaka, Jose Abreau, and Charlie Blackmon. For every great player that a fantasy “expert” finds there is an equal bust. Now, it is entirely too early in the season to deem someone a bust, but it’s never to early to call someone out for pissing me off on my fantasy team.
There are quite a few early season disappointments in 2014 fantasy baseball. What I find most disturbing is that a lot of them are on one of my two fantasy teams. I know what you are thinking: why should I continue reading this guy if he is flat out telling me he can’t draft? Well, put your mind at rest. I’m one game out of first place in both leagues and amongst the top three scorers in both as well. A few bums here and there don’t hurt the overall chemistry of a fantasy genius.
The following is a list of people that most likely have you ripping your hair out as we are just over a month into the season. I’m not focusing on guys you took a gamble on in the 20th round and aren’t panning out. If you really thought Josh Reddick was going to bounce back from his atrocious 2013 and took him any higher than the 20th round, that’s the drafters fault, not the players. I also won’t be touching upon players like CC Sabathia. Is he a tremendous let down thus far in 2014? Absolutley. However, CC was diminishing in velocity and ability last season. If you took him in the first ten rounds, again, you should be looking in the mirror for your blame. This list is composed of players that are keepers or players that are annually drafted in the first 10 rounds. This list is perennial All-Stars and multi-millionaires who are costing us hundredaire fantasy players our hard earned money.
TOP 5 DISAPPOINTING FANTASY BASEBALL PLAYERS IN 2014 SO FAR
5. Jedd Gyorko, 2B, San Diego Padres. (.162, 5 HR, and 19 RBI)
If you’re wondering how to pronounce his last name its BUM
Gyorko was my minor league keeper two years ago and came into the 2013 season as my starting fantasy baseball third baseman for The Lammerts. He turned out to be one of the many problems that had my team go from 18-5 and 10 points shy of a championship to missing the playoffs. Gyorko turned it around late last season and hit 23 home runs, but I had already dropped him by then. This season I avoided him altogether and it is looking more like Gyorko, once one of baseball’s top prospects, may be a Quad-A hitter, or for those not versed in baseball lingo, a career-minor leaguer. Gyorko shifted to second base this season, a weaker position than third base, which should have given him a prime opportunity to put up Top 5 stats for his new slot. However, it is now May, and he is barely hitting a 9th grader’s weight. I am no longer a believer in Gyorko and if you have him, it is time to move him.
4. Wil Myers, OF/1B, Tampa Bay Rays (.257, 4 HR, 19 RBI)
Myers isn’t doing absolutely terrible one month into the young season. However, those who drafted him after his astounding 2013 Rookie of the Year campaign invested highly in the sophomore. Last season Myers, once the top prospect in baseball for the Kansas City Royals, came over to the Rays as the center piece in the James Shields trade. He was called up and in just over half a season, he put up the numbers of a superstar in the making. This season, however, he is struggling to live up to the high expectations he set for himself last year. It isn’t time to move on from Myers yet, but you may have to bench him for other options until he escapes his funk.
3. Hunter Pence, OF, San Francisco Giants (.250, 2 HR, 10 RBI, 6 SB)
It seems like for the last decade Hunter Pence is one of the safest plays in fantasy baseball. He consistently bats .280 to .295ish, bashes 25 to 30 HRs, scores about 90 runs, and drives in 90 to 100 runs all while stealing a nice amount of bases EVERY year. I never had the luxury of having Mr. Consistency, so when he was sitting there in the seventh round, I jumped on him. Now, he sucks. Ok, that is a bit harsh as it is only May and if there is one thing Pence doesn’t do, it is suck. He just isn’t performing at the elite level he usually does. Pence, over his 8-year career, has been a second-tier fantasy baseball outfielder, not quite a Jacoby Ellsbury but better than a Nick Swisher. This year, however, he isn’t making the same contact. He is getting on base and scoring a ton of runs though, so right now despite disappointing numbers, that shows he can turn it around. It isn’t worth trading him at this juncture because you won’t get anywhere near the return you invested in him. So you do what I do: sit back and curse him after every at bat until he breaks out of his early slump.
I got two veggie burritos in here. (photo credit: Star-Telegram)
The Son of Cecil has been my fantasy keeper for five years now. People told me I should look to move on after last year’s down year. He still had 25 HRs, 106 RBI, and 82 runs scored in a “down year”, I said. He is going to play at The Ballpark and players have bashed home runs in a Rangers uniform since the mid-90s, I said. Now, Prince is making me look stupid.
The real problem he had last season that I should have noticed was his drop in OBP. On base percentage is the most important stat in real and fantasy baseball because it really determines everything else. If you get on base at a high percentage, it usually is because you can work counts. If you work counts, you either walk or, in Prince’s case, wait it out until you get your home run pitch. Fielder averaged nearly a .410 OBP over his first three seasons as my keeper. Last year, he dropped to .362. That’s a 50 point drop and that should have been a red flag. But I remained loyal to a guy who always produced for me and kept him. 25 home runs is no longer elite at the first baseman position neither, but I thought going to Texas would help him bounce back. Of course, the Rangers don’t have Miguel Cabrera batting in front of him, another red flag I should have noticed. If anyone can turn around a season in a week, it is Prince Fielder. But I think it is time to move him. The only question you have to ask yourself is this: how the hell does a vegetarian get that big?
Thanks for the money chumps.
1. Brian McCann, C, New York Yankees (.213, 4 HR, 12 RBI)
I drank the Kool-Aid. I saw McCann sitting there in the ninth round and though it was an absolute steal. I also thought I was pretty darn good at fantasy baseball, but now I wonder.
I live in Atlanta. I have been telling people this since last season. The second I saw Evan Gattis was a decent enough player for the Braves to move forward with, I knew Brian McCann would be coming to the Yankees. I gushed over how consistent he has been as one of the elite catchers in the league, and how the Little League dimensions of Yankee Stadium would make him the best catcher in baseball. So far, I am a bit off.
There is light at the end of the tunnel. McCann has been facing that pesky infield shift nearly every at bat over the first month. So instead of coming in and posterizing the right field fence as many thought he would, he has been learning how to use the entire field and beat the shift. As opposed to other players (Mark Teixeira, I’m looking at you, sir), McCann is trying to hit to all fields instead of going right at the shift and hitting a home run or bust. He has been coming around and spraying hits up the middle to center and left field. What the shift is doing, however, is making his career monster power numbers practically non-existent. There is no need to panic just yet, though. If he continues to grow and beat the shift, the infield will have to adjust back to normal, and McCann can start unloading on that right field porch. That doesn’t mean I haven’t been throwing stuff at my TV screen when my ninth round pick continues to struggle early on in 2014 though.
There you have it, fellow fantasy baseball friends and geeks. Remember, more than any other fantasy sport, baseball is a marathon, not a sprint. There is plenty of time to turn the season around, but trends may deem otherwise. If you hold on to the wrong guy because of his past you may perish down the stretch.
Until next time, let’s hope Donald Sterling keeps his mouth shut.
A few months back amid Michael Sam coming out and Jason Collins officially becoming the first openly gay athlete in the Big Four sports, people asked me to blog about my thoughts on the topic. I refused for two reasons. The first was that I was new to the blog community and didn’t want to go down a controversial road and rub readers the wrong way so early in my young career. Secondly, I didn’t think it was much of a story. Let me explain.
By no means am I a hippy-dippy-let’s-all-be-happy type of person. I am neither a racist nor a homophobe, though. I simply tend to have a general disdain for every walk of life, which I believe was spawned from two things: teaching teenagers and working in the service industry. In both of those professions I have learned one thing. You can be black, brown, yellow, green, purple, gay, straight, or an asexual hermaphrodite, a majority of the time, I am going to assume that you are a douche. And I’m not the greatest person for that, but at least I don’t discriminate. When my good friend asked me recently why I decided to make this blogging thing a long term goal as a profession as opposed to a hobby and get out of the service industry, my answer was simple. I don’t like people. Obviously, that is spoken in hyperbole, because as I sit here with my new fiancé making our wedding invite list, we are freaking out over how many people are on it. All I really mean by it is that the reason I don’t like someone isn’t the color of their skin or who they decide to shack up with at the end of the night. Maybe I’m just old and bitter!
Anyway, I do believe what Michael Sam and Jason Collins did does have some heroism behind it. I think it’s great that now aspiring youngsters don’t need to worry about their sexuality in pursuing their dreams. But what I really think it shows is a disturbing trait in our society that this even matters. Why a gay person has to hide who they are to get ahead in America, the land of the free, the land of opportunity, the land where people can come to from any walk of life and have a chance to turn it around, is disgusting in my opinion. Now, Donald Sterling has poked his warped head and people want to know what I think.
The remarks made by Sterling just ten days after the nation celebrated Jackie Robinson Day are obviously disturbing to me. I have already explained to you that I am not racist, so why waste my time preaching about what everyone else has already said. There is so much more to this story that people don’t want to touch upon because what this story is really about will piss them off.
For those of you who live under a rock, let’s do a quick recap. TMZ leaked a tape in which he and his fellow waste-of-newsworthy-space mistress, V. Stiviano, got into a lover’s spat over a picture on Instagram with Magic Johnson. What ensued was some incredibly stupid and somewhat racist remarks by Sterling about who his girlfriend was allowed to bring to his Clippers’ games (I wonder who his wife is allowed to bring to Clippers’ games?). Adam Silver quickly stepped in and banned Sterling for life and is currently imploring all NBA owners to unite in forcing Sterling to sell the Clippers.
This is the picture that started it all? Really? Wow, Sterling that is racy…
Racism has always been overtly blatant in European sports, specifically soccer. Many futbol fans have been talking about how small an issue this is compared to what goes on overseas. Barcelona defender, Dani Alves, was the most recent recipient of a banana thrown at him. This disgusting display of racism has happened for awhile in soccer, and now players are standing together and fighting back in a no racism campaign. My favorite Premiere League Team is often the brunt of anti-Semitism. The Tottenham Hotspur players and fans are often attacked and called “Yids” which is a very derogatory term when used incorrectly towards Jewish people. It is so bad that several players have been accused of making the Nazi salute during games against Tottenham. Racism has and always will occur in the world, especially in sports. Sports is where all walks of life come together. It is a powder keg for bigots to self-implode. This stuff is hardcore. This is racism at it’s worst. What Sterling did was plain old ignorant.
A lot of people have commented the last few days that Sterling is simply a product of his time and that most really old, rich, white guys are racist. Sterling just got caught saying what they all think, they’ll tell me. Is this somewhat true? Yes, as an 80-year old man, he grew up in a very different time in America. He witnessed when it was legally acceptable to be separate but equal. Rosa Parks and Martin Luther King, Jr were at the forefront of the Civil Rights Movement while Sterling was in law school planning on how to make his first million. Most people have tried to learn from the actions of that era and have moved on, but for people who were alive before that era, it is simply a way of life. Does that make it right? Is Sterling the victim here? By no means would I defend this swine, his statements in that recording were racist as were his actions several years before this. That’s not the real problem here, however.
Sterling went and said something in private about a race of people that turned him into the magnate he is. Adam Silver took action and delivered a harsh but very just punishment. Sterling is the first owner banned for life by the NBA, but in the end, he still wins. If he is forced to sell the team, he will be awarded billions. If he remains a stubborn old mule, he will still profit greatly, no matter how many sponsors and athletes pull their support. The real problem here is that when you are mega rich, there is little risk in the actions you take.
Sterling is just another example of why it is good to be rich and have celebrity status in America. If someone like you or I, dear reader, would have done something like this, believe me, the results would be much worse. But for Sterling, he stands to profit off of being an ignorant fool and offending an entire race of people along the way SEVERAL times. But since he has money and fame, his only real punishment is that he isn’t allowed to go to NBA games anymore. O.J. Simpson ring a bell, anyone? Go ahead, try it out. Flee a murder scene with two dead bodies on your own property in a Ford Bronco while eluding tons of police officers and resisting arrest all on national television. Then I implore you to use your one phone call and tell me the outcome.
What it really comes down to isn’t race. It is about a stupid man being able to get away with it and most likely not learn a lesson. Have you seen how many more times O.J. has been in court or gone to jail? Sterling got in trouble in the early 2000s for being a racist and he got in trouble again nearly a decade later for the same thing. And, just like last time, the end result is that Sterling is being set up for a huge pay day. Is his image smeared? Absolutely. But he is an 80-year old man, how much do you think he cares what myself or a bunch of millionaire basketball players think of him? Sure, he was fined the maximum amount permissible by NBA rules, but what’s 2.5 million dollars to a man worth billions?
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, in an article for Time magazine, summed it up perfectly:
I’m bothered that everyone acts as if it’s a huge surprise. Now there’s all this dramatic and very public rending of clothing about whether they should keep their expensive Clippers season tickets. Really? All this other stuff I listed above has been going on for years and this ridiculous conversation with his girlfriend is what puts you over the edge? That’s the smoking gun?
He was discriminating against black and Hispanic families for years, preventing them from getting housing. It was public record. We did nothing. Suddenly he says he doesn’t want his girlfriend posing with Magic Johnson on Instagram and we bring out the torches and rope. Shouldn’t we have all called for his resignation back then? (Taken from the Washington Post blog.
Kareem is a very outspoken athlete in his beliefs, but it is hard to disagree with him. It wasn’t until it home to millionaire athletes and coaches that something was done. When he was turning away tenants in his housing projects and being sued in courts of law for overt racism, David Stern sat back and did nothing. Sterling screwing over the lower class based on their race was apparently A-Ok then, as long as he wasn’t doing it to his highly paid superstars. (Incidentally, should the players and coaches have truly walked away from the NBA like they threatened, they would still be millionaires. If someone like myself or you, my loyal followers of Wayniac Nation, did the same to our job, we would be in dire straits.) Now, all of a sudden we care. I think Adam Silver was fair and just in his actions, however there is only so much he can do as a commissioner of a sport. But he certainly laid down the law and let the NBA know there is a new sheriff in town. Only time will tell how Sterling responds.
I need to cool off. Until next time folks, we are just days away from the NFL Draft!
The 27 months of NBA playoffs are upon us. The twelve year journey to anoint the 2014 NBA Champion started a week ago and I guess it has been entertaining. I haven’t watched a single minute and unless the Spurs make the Finals, I most likely won’t.
What I did watch, however, was a bunch of basketball movies and clips to prepare for this week’s post. Based on the success of my Fantasy Dream Amazeballs All-Hollywood Baseball Team I have put together a hoops’ movie team in honor of the NBA Playoffs. The criteria will be the same. There will be no real players, so that eliminates pretty much the entire cast of Like Mike (thank god) except Bow Wow and Morris Chestnut. Nor will Michael Jordan from Space Jam or Leonardo DiCRAPio’s Jim Carroll from Basketball Diaries be considered for the starting line-up. Earl “The Goat” Manigault is also ineligible, despite the movie rumored being a nearly fictional account of his life. Just like last time, likenesses and characters based on real players are perfectly acceptable. Real players playing fictional characters are also welcome. So, sit back and enjoy your Sunday with the:
THE ALL-TIME FICTIONAL HOOPIDITY DOOPITY ALLY OOPITY BASKETBALL MOVIE TEAM
We goin to Sizzler!
Point Guard: You would think Wesley Snipes is the greatest athlete of all time! He had TWO characters in consideration for the baseball roster and now makes his case for basketball. Sidney Deane (White Man Can’t Jump) was flashy and loud talking but he had some mad skills to hold his own against anyone. His passing ability was uncanny. Deane’s counterpart, Billy Hoyle (Woody Harrelson, White Man Can’t Jump) has a deadly three pointer, but he may be too old to contribute to this team. Can he still drive to the hoop and lead this team? Well, if Harrelson can’t cut it as Billy Hoyle, maybe he can as Monix (Semi Pro). Monix was the aged, knee-less, veteran who came in and helped turn around the Flint Tropics dream season. Sure, Calvin Cambridge’s (Lil Bow Wow, Like Mike) entire playing ability was dependent on MJ’s magic shoes, but wasn’t everybody’s back then? Lola Bunny (herself, Space Jam) was bound for WNBA stardom. Despite the MonStars cheap shots and over powering size and demeanor, Lola never backed down and took it right to them.
Starter: I’m going with Lola here. The other guys in this category are good, but they are either hustlers or destined for a bench role. Plus, Lola showed no fear against monsters for crying out loud. That’s who I want manning … er, womanning … er, wasckily wabbiting my team.
Shooting Guard: This category is over flowing with stars. Jesus Shuttleworth (Ray Allen, He Got Game) immediately comes to mind. He is raw, but man can he shoot. He has a jump shot that is strikingly similar to NBA star Ray Allen’s, which I still think is the prettiest natural shot of our generation. Clarence “Coffee Black” Brown (Andre 3000 Benjamin, Semi-Pro) not only gets a look due to his overwhelming basketball skills, but he has the heart of a champion willing to sacrifice everything to play for a loser.The lovable Air Bud (Buddy, Air Bud) gets some love because he’s so damn cute. Plus, like Ed the chimp on my baseball roster… he’s a freaking animal! Tell me you wouldn’t pay some serious duckets to watch a dog break some ankles and drop some dimes. Lewis Scott (Damon Wayans, Celtic Pride) was so good Daniel Stern and Dan Aykroyd had to kidnap him.
Starter: No question it is Shuttleworth. As we learned in Big Lebowski, nobody f’s with da Jesus!
Small Forward: Another position full of elite athletes and superstars. Scott Howard (Michael J. Fox, Teen Wolf) is a mixed bag. If he shows up as Scott Howard, this team is screwed. But if he shows up as The Wolf… look out! Howard turns from a 5-foot, seventh man off the bench type of player to a guy who can dunk like MJ by simply adding some fur. Jimmy Chitwood (Maris Valainis, Hoosiers) is the game changing character based on Bobby Plump. The downside to Chitwood is all that he can do is shoot. As much as he brought to that amazing run, if he goes ice cold, his team is in trouble. Moses Guthrie (Julius “Dr. J” Erving, The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh) saved a whole damn city. If you haven’t seen this cult classic go watch it. It is a terribly fun movie about a failing basketball team formed around their star player’s zodiac sign, Pisces (hence the fish), to win basketball games. Jamal Wallace (Rob Brown, Finding Forrester) is one of the more unheralded basketball movie stars due to his youth and raw talent. He was heavily recruited by private schools across New York and showed he’s got serious skills on the floor and in the classroom. Butch McRae (Anfernee “Penny” Hardaway, Blue Chips) had it all: ball handling skills, a nice shot, and a beautiful house for his mother.
Starter: I’m going Guthrie. He’s Dr. J and that means two things: awesome dunks and an even more awesome ‘fro!
Power Forward/ Center: I’m clumping these two positions together, because let’s face it, that’s how it works these days. Tim Duncan may be the best power forward to ever play the game, but he still has to match-up at center sometimes. I want my big men to have that same ability.
Somehow, the dreadful Flint Tropics send their third candidate to roster consideration in the PF/C category. Team owner, leader, and all around entertainer Jackie Moon (Will Ferrell, Semi Pro) has more dance moves than basketball skills, but he can still ball. Neon Boudeaux (Shaquille O’Neal, Blue Chips) is just as much a beast on the floor as the man who played him. You need a monster dunk or complete domination inside the paint? You simply call on this Neon blue-chip prospect. He may have earned a Razzie Nomination for his acting, but we are judging on ball skills here. One of the many degrees of Kevin Bacon gets the final nod. Saleh (Charles Gitong Maina, The Air Up There) was not only the savior of Jimmy Dolan’s career, but he saved his own tribe with the game winning shot against the evil mining company.
Starters: Neon and Saleh. Talk about Towers of Power. These guys could rival Tim Duncan and David Robinson. Neon, with more natural skills, will probably slide into the four while Saleh will man the center position. Besides, any player that you can mistake for the cartoon MonStar Pound from Space Jam is ok in my books.
The Bench:
Monix gets the nod to back things up at the point guard position. Sure, he’s older than Harrelson’s Hoyle, but all Hoyle has is a sweet shot and that was mainly when he was left wide open. Monix still has the heart to cut to the hole even if he can barely walk. Chitwood makes the squad because as a situational player there will be very few better. Down by three with just seconds left? Run the picket fence and get Jimmy open… just don’t get caught watching the paint dry! JamalWallace makes the team as a reserve because of his raw ability to swing from the two to the three and his basketball and regular IQ reign supreme to just about everyone else on the court. Moon meritsa roster spot on notoriety alone. If we need a quick promotion, Moon is the man. Scott Howard gets the call, but he is only allowed to play when donned in fur. I want The Wolf. The last guy to round out the bench is someone that wasn’t nominated for a starting role, but he stepped up when the Beavers needed him most. Chubby(Mark Holton, Teen Wolf) turned from zero to hero when he simply crushed the Dragons. How he fit into those 80s shorty short uniforms is amazing in itself.
Head Coach: Edwina “Eddie” Franklin (Whoopi Goldberg) certainly deserves some consideration because she turned around a dismal New York Knicks team after being the female Spike Lee. However, she won’t coach my team simply because I despise the Knicks and rather see them stay in the basement. In fact, I could watch a two hour movie about how bad the Knicks are, but that movie would be called 2013-14 season. The man I want at the helm has a shaky past and an unprecedented way of handling his offense. He found the best ways to utilize each and everyone of his players, even if it was getting Ollie in there for a few under handed free throws. No one was better at motivational speeches and when the team needed a fire lit under it’s ass, he’d go off the deep end and get ejected. Norman Dale (Gene Hackman, Hoosiers) is my guy. He will lead this team to glory.
Did I get it right? Sound off and let me know if I gave the wrong players a start or if I left someone off entirely. Until then, check back in 7.5 million hours when we finally name the 2014 NBA Champion!
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