Another Sunday morning means another random rant by the Sportsbook Jesus. This week he develops his own touchdown dance while bringing you six free picks that are sure to thicken your wallet.
2015 SNF/MNF OVERALL RECORD
Public: 30-50-1 (1-5)
The House: 50-30-1 (5-1)
Sportsbook Jesus: 46-34-1 (5-1)
Public: 0-2 (8-18-1)
Vegas: 2-0 (18-8-1)
Sportsbook Jesus: 2-0 (17-9-1)
Public: 0-2 (11-16)
Vegas: 2-0 (16-11)
Sportsbook Jesus: 2-0 (16-11)
Public: 1-1 (11-16)
Vegas: 1-1 (16-11)
Sportsbook Jesus: 1-1 (13-14)
I finally settled on my favorite touchdown celebration of 2015 last week. Even though it was performed by a Philadelphia Eagle, that in no way plays any part in why I loved it to such an extent. I’m not being sarcastic at all in saying that. I’m dead serious. If anyone on any other team would have done this move, I would still claim it as my favorite.
It wasn’t a dance routine with a hundred moves going on for twenty minutes either. It didn’t use some lame prop, like Joe Horn‘s cell phone in the goal post gimmick, or TO with a sharpie stuffed in his sock. No. This was something so simple. I think it was a total of three gyrations using only one arm.
It was done by Malcolm Jenkins following his pick-six at Foxboro. He got to the endzone and made a gesture like he was loosening his tie. I fell in love with it. It was so simple. It took one second. It said, “Let me take a load off after a long 99-yard day at the office”. It was classy, and not just in the metaphorical sense.
I loved it so much that I hope it becomes a pick-six staple for my team. I can’t wait to see it again, but I don’t want it getting burned out on a bunch of generic special teams tackles, or a two yard sack on a first down when we’re down ten points. You catch my drift?
We live in a time now where our culture is so supersaturated with media that we can’t stop ourselves from beating things into the ground immediately and completely play them out before they’ve even had a chance to breathe in the social spectrum.
So, if I see everyone doing this tie thing, it will be a Catch 22 for me. On one hand I’ll be honored that people are actually reading this column, but on the other hand I’ll be pissed off that it won’t have the legs to last a month. So we’ll see what happens.
I do have a celebration I invented a few years ago that I’d love to see someone pull off if they could. When I say “could”, I don’t mean that it’s physically demanding or difficult to do. What I mean is that you would roughly need a solid 20 to 25 yard cushion from the nearest defensive player trailing you upon reaching the goal line.
Here is what my move would be. Let’s say I’m a good 25 yards ahead of the last defender, as I approach the endzone. When I get inside the five yard line, I slam on the brakes with both feet still outside of the endzone, at a stand still for a mere split second. Then, I do this.
This is from an Arnold classic, Conan the Destroyer. It’s the scene where he is running around like a maniac smashing mirrors in an attempt to defeat the evil wizard. I’m not even going to explain why that’s the case…not the point. It’s a very abstract battle to say the least.
The point is this is the move I’d do with the ball playing the prop of the sword. I’d pull back (with both hands on the ball) slightly behind my waist, and then I’d stab the plane of the end zone just like he shatters the mirror in this scene.
Now it’s officially a touchdown, but I’m not done yet. With both arms holding the ball at a full extention, I mimic slicing an imaginary vertical slit with one strong downward movement, like I’m cutting through a screen door. Then, I step through the imaginary slice in the endzone’s plane with a huge exaggerated side step, like I’m stepping through a window. Got all that?
1) Huge cushion from the closest defender to avoid him plowing into you at the goal line. DeSean, you are definitely not allowed to try this one.
2) Slam on the brakes with both feet outside the endzone.
3) Big two handed Conan-like sword lunge, with just the ball crossing the plane officially scoring the touchdown.
4) Slice a vertical slit with one strong downward movement, like ripping through a screen door.
5) Step through it, like a window.
Let’s call it “The Destroyer” to pay proper tribute. How sick would that be to see? Please, someone pull it off. Whoever nails it, I’ll buy your jersey. No questions asked. Even if it’s a Browns jersey, I’ll buy it without hesitation. Please God, don’t let a Brown pull this off.
PATRIOTS -3(-130) @ TEXANS +3(+110)
Emotional Red Flag Alert! On multiple levels! Brady verse my Editor- in-Chief. Oh boy. This isn’t gonna be an easy one.
Not to mention, I hate everything about this trend.
A) Bill Simmons is very confident about this inevitable win. I love Bill to death, but whenever he starts talking about “locks”, and “we are teasing this with everything” type of language…I get very nervous. His overconfidence in the Steelers/Ravens playoff game last year single-handedly won it for Baltimore. It also took me about six month to forgive him for ruining my SB 49 under, by spending…no joke…the first five minutes of his Super Bowl podcast last year taking about Patriots Super Bowls always going under. I’m not saying he’s the “kiss of death” with all his picks, but it’s just when he gets super confident that I start to get cold feet on any side he’s on. Now, granted this is a New England game and the man knows them better than any other franchise head to toe, but….
B) The Patriots are really banged up. The wide receiving corp is a shell of itself right now. Does anyone know if Gronk is actually playing? The offensive line injuries also have allowed defenses to knock Tom Brady around, with not much time to work with.
If the Patriots did lose, it would be the third loss in a row for a Belichick lead Pats team. I know. Unheard of, right? Most of the players in this league probably didn’t even know how to ride a bike the last time that happened, but we are talking about a charged up J.J. Watt defensive unit playing REALLY well right now…AND they are in Houston for this…AND most importantly, in playoff contention which I predicted they would be right around this time. It’s just such a dangerous game for New England. Could Brady be facing a worse defensive test at this point?
C) We haven’t even gotten to the trend numbers, which is the most important part. I HATE this trend. I hate everything about it, in terms of taking the Pats. The Patriots are a flat -3 favorite, which isn’t scary at all considering no one thinks they are losing three straight games. I’m already nervous because it feels so damn trappy.
The Patriots are a double favorite, which you know I can’t stand. Not only are they a double favorite, but they are a -130 double favorite, which is the pinnacle of gambling kryptonite to me. I NEVER take -130. EVER.
Oh, have I mentioned that the people are currently riding with New England in the 80 percentile range on both the side and the moneyline? There is not a single reason for me to ride with Brady on this one. EVERYTHING about this bet just screams, “stay away”.
But what about my “God Damn Snack”? Fiiiiiiiine!!! You people are impossible sometimes, you know that?
PATRIOTS -3(-130) &….
CLASSIFICATION: PFP. I can assure you this ends at a PFC. If not, I’m in serious trouble with this pick. No audibles.
GMEN -2 @ DOLPHINS +2
Simmons called it “The Lock Of The Year”. He’s not hittin’ both of these primetime overconfident calls. He’s just not. “That’s a fact.” – Joe House
DOLPHINS +111 & UNDER 46.5
CLASSIFICATION: HDPS. I just don’t see the public backing off New York in this one.
JUMP SHIP AUDIBLE: Just remember if the Patriots cover, and the public actually does end on the Dolphins, then you know how we roll with our Primetime Combo Audibles. I honestly don’t see anyway that Miami doesn’t end up in The House for this though, so don’t worry about even seriously considering this option. “M.I.A….rake it to The House”.
Goodnight, and good luck.