Well, folks, Tom Brady and the Patriots have gone out and made some noise yet again in the world of football. Thats for another place and another time, however. We have more important things to discuss.
Last night, Michael Irvin and Cris Carter went round by round in picking their 2015 Fantasy Pro Bowl teams. It’s a great twist on a game that has been rather ho-hum for most of its existence. Maybe we can do the same.
If you have been following Wayniac Nation from day one, you know we like to have some fun. We don’t do things the run-of-the-mill way. Whether it be comparing every horse in the Belmont Stakes to a Batman movie or picking the THE ALL-TIME FICTIONAL HOOPIDITY DOOPITY ALLY OOPITY BASKETBALL MOVIE TEAM (it’s right HERE if you forgot it), we are always trying to have fun.
What we are going to start doing today is “drafting” the All Time Over Inflated Football Movie Roster. The rules will be the same as in the basketball and baseball (if you forgot the baseball team, it’s right HERE). The players have to be fictional. They can’t be actors playing real players in a bio pic, but it can be athletes playing a made up character. Likenesses of real players make the cut, so all of the players in The Replacements (which was loosely based on the 1987 NFL strike) are in play.
What we are going to do differently this time around is put each position to a vote. Normally I would break down each character and pick, but I think it’s time for Wayniac Nation to get involved. So clear your schedule and get your Netflix ready. Today, the Nation will name the greatest fictional Quarterback in movie history!
Shane Falco (Keanu Reeves): Falco was an All-American quarterback at Ohio State, but what he is most remembered for is choking away his future. He laid an egg in his final collegiate game and stunk it up in his first go in the NFL. However, when the NFL strike hits there are little options out there, and Falco, scrubbing boats, gets a second chance at quarterback life. Falco became the talk of the scab season, leading the Washington Sentinels into the playoff hunt. When Eddie Martel returned to quarterback for the final game of the season against Dallas, the game that will decide the Sentinels playoff future, Falco is sent packing. He returns at halftime, down 17-0, to lead the most unthinkable of comebacks against a team with all of their NFL stars in action. Falco erases the choke tag and becomes a hero. But keep in mind… he is still played by Keanu Reeves.
Paul Krewe (Burt Reynolds/Adam Sandler): Krewe had it all. The women, the cars, the high-life of being the biggest quarterback in the NFL. He also had a gambling problem which forced him into that little point shaving scandal. Now in the California Penal League, Krewe leads a cast of social deviants into a game against the guards, and comes out victorious… despite trying to throw the game yet again.
Stan Gable (Ted McGinley): Gable, Gable he’s our man. If he can’t do it, Ogre can! We never saw Gable throw a football, but the Adams Atoms were no joke. Plus, he got Betty Childs… who even needs to see his resume?
John Moxon (Dawson… I mean, James Van Der Beek): Texas High School Football is religion. Lance Harbor may have been the more college-bound quarterback (RIP Paul Walker), but Mox was the savior of the Coyotes season. He’s smart and takes no crap, even from the heartless West Canaan legend, Coach Kilmer. He has a smokin’ hot girl friend in Amy Smart and gets to cheat on her with a whipped cream bikini-laden Ali Larter. Sorry, Mox, but I do want your life!
Paul Blake (Scott Bakula): The Texas State Fightin’ Armadillos. Probably the best nickname out there, but not the most well run program. Facing just about every sanction in the book, the Armadillos turn to 90-year old Blake who still has some eligibility… somehow. They don’t win a lot, but Blake proves he still has a lot of ammo in that rifle, especially right between the numbers 88.
Willie Beamon (Jamie Foxx): Number 13 was a beast. Foxx looked the role, too, didn’t he? Yet another Hollywood quarterback who simply wasn’t good enough to hack it until an injury called him into the game. Still, Beamon lights it up and becomes the new face of the Miami Sharks.
Uncle Rico (John Gries): Does he look like he could have been a quarterback? Not really. I mean, come on, watch his scouting video, the guy throws from the hip. Still, if Rico has a vote, then you know he is going to get one on this list!
Junior Floyd (Devon Sawa): Luckily, Kevin O’Shea missed the talented cannon of Junior because he turned out to be everything that Danny O’Shea needed to take down his big brother. The Little Giants rose triumphant because of the arm of Floyd, Danny found a lady interest, and we found out that nobody ran the Annexation of Puerto Rico better.
Joe Kane (Craig Sheffer): Long before Tim Tebow and Johnny Manziel made noise for winning the Heisman Trophy as sophomores and freshman, there was Joe Kane. He was a Heisman Candidate when he was a sophomore and he throws the winnings touchdown. The Program is a stellar movie run by a stellar quarterback. Kane has the extra oomph of trying to win the love and turn around the life of his troubled father, which he seems to take out on footballs weekly.
Johnny Walker aka B. Goode (Anthony Michael Hall): Most of the movie is about his recruitment, so we don’t see a tremendous amount of football. We do see him beat the fine police officers of his small town with one hand cuffed behind his back. We saw how much trouble Krewe had with the police force, so that definitely merits consideration!
So, here’s the vote. Pick your winner. Did I leave a few off? Sure. I know Big Lar will be upset I didn’t include anyone from his beloved Friday Night Lights. Some old timers may be upset I left off Kurt Russell from The Best of Times or a movie like North Dallas Forty. Well, you can always have a write-in, just add it to the comments and your vote will count.